gillmarie

truth be told

i miss you

my heartbeat’s keeping time with the kick of your drums..

i’ve come to the conclusion that i suck at following through when it comes to giving up on things. & i’ve also realized, well no because i’ve actually known this for quite some time now, that i am horrible, and i mean absolutely horrible, with goodbyes. honestly, i’ve tried everything to get this out of my mind. i’ve eaten my way through so much food just to feel so ridiculously sick. i’ve ran my way through 10 miles in the past 2 days just to end up injuring myself. i’ve sat outside & attempted to just shut the world out & look at stars, just for there to not even be any stars in the sky. i’ve even tried writing music, but i have thee worst writers block ever. & i’ve also tried blasting the music, but of course like every freaking song in the world somehow just triggers something, some memory or whatever & baaah. i just cant take it haha the world is out to just leave me to my misery, no escape or anything this time. & so, here i am. to rant. to vent. to let it all out. in hope that maybe after this extremely long post, i can feel even just a bit lighter & somewhat at ease. & if you somehow & someway see this then so what? its nothing i haven’t already said to you. you know how much this bothers me & i know it bothers you too, but we’ve already discussed it. its been a dragged out, day long conversation that i just really hate having.. but when we face the harsh truth, we don’t really have a choice now do we? we both knew a goodbye was coming. we both knew i was leaving & yet silly us, right? we didn’t let that stop us, which believe me, no regrets. i loved every minute i spent with you, getting to know you, & everything. but now the hard part is leaving & acting like you never happened.. & now that i know that it’s time to walk away, i just really, so badly, don’t want to.

jb- you came out of nowhere, to be honest, and you walked into my life and you seriously stole me away and won me over. & i would give so much to be able to hit the pause button.. and just stay. just stop everything & just chill and just let this happen and let the pieces fall into place and just see where this all goes.. but everyone knows we can’t do that. until you came along i was soo ready to get out of pennsylvania. i couldn’t wait to be back home, ready to start the next chapter of my life, ready to be a big bad girl in the real world. and then along you came.. and now here i am, 5 days away from graduation, and all i want is for time to freeze. i just want more time with you. i want to see where this goes. i want to be able to drive down the road and steal you to stargaze or watch a movie or bake cupcakes.. & in 5 days i won’t be able to do that. and i don’t like that. at all. in such a short amount of time, you’ve changed my life so much & all for the better. and i’m really just not ready at all to say goodbye.. i’m not ready to let you go yet.. i don’t think i’ll be ready for that anytime soon. i mean, we just started & this is great, what we have, this is awesome. you really can’t tell me i have to say goodbye. its not fair that you came into my life just to walk out.. & it sucks even more because i know its my fault. i’m the one leaving. and i already hate myself for it.. i really can’t say goodbye yet..

and so here i am. excited for grad yet dreading it at the same time. can we say hotttmessss of an emotional wreck. cool.

<3 <3 <3

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

(Source: purestofpain, via purestofpain)